Opening MonologueGreatness -- the final, our first frontier, and I mean we've been great before but we've never been greater, what can I tell you. These are the voyages of the USS Titanic. Its 8-year mission: to be great again, because we are the greatest and there's nobody greater than us, to seek out new profit and reopen the galaxy -- to boldly go wherever we want, because this is America, see? Just saying.
Act 1Captain's Twitter, stardate 2020.2.
We have received reports of an unusual number of, what are they, these "floating chunks of ice", so-called? "Ice Berg"? Never heard of him, sounds Jewish, don't know him, probably a nice guy, I don't see the problem. Fox News says nothing to worry about.FX: loud prolonged grinding soundCaptain's Twitter, stardate 2020.3
Whoa, what in the heck was that? Probably somebody not doing their job. Firing them, whoever they are. I love my work.(time passes)Captain's Twitter, stardate 2020.31
Listen, all this supposed "water" inside the "hull" -- what's a "hull"? Never heard of it, I'm sure it's fine. The water will go away like magic. We have plenty of bailing equipment, if you need a life jacket you can get one, we're best in the world at bailing water, we don't need lifeboats, and anyway we can make them right here on board because we're the greatest, get yours today, but you don't need one, trust me.
Act 2Scene: ship's ballroom. A crowd of passengers has gathered. A few of them are carrying signs saying "RESTART THE ENGINE!" "TRUST IN POSEIDON!"Captain's Twitter, stardate 2020.37
My ratings are the best. Will you look at that crowd? So much energy.Person 1
: I demand that the engines be restarted immediately! I have several very important appointments that I urgently need to get to, and if this ship arrives late it will have serious consequences!Chief Engineer Fauci (facepalming slightly)
: Look, I've explained over and over again that the engines are now underwater and we need to focus on getting everyone safely off the ship...Person 2:
I don't have time to put on some dang jacket and find a lifeboat! I've got a job to do! I was hired to entertain the ship's guests, and if I don't do that my family won't be able to pay the rent! All this talk of "sinking" is panicking everyone and cutting into my tips! You need to tell everyone that everything is fine, else I'm in serious doo-doo![scene is now reduced to a window above Fox News Reporter]Reporter
, to camera
: Apparently some kind of strange noise or disturbance, believed to be the work of terrorists, stowaways, or foreign passengers, has a few people alarmed [smiles patronizingly]
. We will be monitoring the situation and will definitely inform you if there are any developments worth noting. Meanwhile, here's a heartwarming story about some rescued kittens.Captain's Twitter, Stardate 2020.39
: I am not, repeat, definitely, not, going to let this delay, because there's not going to be a delay, okay? My numbers are the best, and they're going to... so okay, a few people are panicking, but people panic over nothing, and this is nothing. Water? What water? This is not going to bring my numbers down, I don't like that kind of numbers. They're fired.to be confinued -- in real life...(crossposted from Mastodon)